By Renee Trudeau
One Sunday morning I was lying in bed reading from author Anne Lamott’s beautiful little book Small Victories: Spotting Improbable Moments of Grace. In one of her stories about parenting, she shares, with a little self-deprecation and a lot of tenderness, how she doesn’t bake for PTA fundraisers, is often disorganized and sometimes forgets to follow through on updates from her son’s school. Her ability to accept who she is, is both endearing and freeing.
Her story got me thinking how so many people I meet have a misguided sense about the concept of self-care. I often hear endless “shoulds,” and many people confess they feel like failures when it comes to self-care.
As a life balance author and self-care evangelist, I have researched, taught and written books about the art and science of self-renewal for more than 20 years. I can wholeheartedly share that self-care—a practice that has changed my life more than any other—is not about:
• fixing yourself or turning into a “makeover version” of you
• trying to become someone who “has it all together” or who’s always wise and calm
• striving for perfection or doing what our loved ones or the media say we should do to be our best selves (e.g., go gluten-free or do more yoga)
• spending a lot of money on services or products that are supposed to make us more fit, beautiful, smart, etc.
• striving to become more worthy through accomplishing more or adhering to society’s list of “shoulds” around parenting, relationships or (fill in the blank)
Self-care isn’t a goal you strive for and it’s not about becoming you version 2.0. It’s about meeting yourself where you are with a soft and open heart. It’s believing my ordinary self is enough. It’s feeling safe enough to show up in the world 100-percent you, and inherently giving others permission to do the same.
Self-care is about attuning and responding to your needs and desires moment to moment. It’s about being compassionate with yourself when you bump up against your faults and treating yourself with the same love and tenderness you would extend to a four-year-old who’s had a really hard day. It’s not about checking an activity off a list, cracking the whip or finally getting in shape. The true art of self-renewal is about cultivating a kinder, gentler relationship with yourself and asking for and receiving the nurturing and nourishment you truly need—whether that’s a hug or long nap. Self-care is knowing that you have your back and that no matter what you say or do—you will not abandon yourself.
This week, notice how you treat and talk to yourself. How would you describe the relationship? Do you sound like a drill sergeant, a loving grandparent or a wise mentor? Share your observations with someone you trust. Self-care isn’t about adding something to your to-do list; it’s about embracing a new way of being.
Renée Peterson Trudeau is a nationally known author/coach and retreat facilitator. An Austin, TX transplant, she lives full-time in Brevard, where she leads Wild Souls Movement and women’s circles/retreats, and helps people find balance through the art/science of self-care. Join her in May for Permission Granted: A Women’s Self-Renewal Retreat. Find out more at ReneeTrudeau.com.
